Katie - On Open Adoption
"He is mine in a way he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way he will never be mine, and so together, we are motherhood." - Desha Wood
In my son's nursery there's a shelf with 2 black and white photographs, including the photo above. Next to it, in a wooden frame, is another of him as a newborn wrapped in a blanket. Luka is cradled in the arms of a smiling young woman. Next to her are her two daughters, one gazing at this new baby in amazement, the other... not quite sure what to think. These are Luka's mom and sisters. We have this picture by his crib so he will know from the beginning that he was adopted and his mother chose us to be his parents. We want him to know this is his life story, and part of what makes him... him.
One of the first things you decide when entering the adoption process is what type of relationship you'd like with a child's biological parents. There are 3 choices on a wide spectrum from closed (no contact, often no name), to semi-open (pictures or communication through an intermediary), to fully open (with potential for in-person visits).
For many years, virtually all adoptions were closed. Some thought this preserved “privacy” for birth parents, secured the role of adoptive parents, and ensured that adopted children didn’t feel “different.” Today, 95% of U.S. domestic adoptions are semi or fully open. An open relationship provides birth parents with reassurance that their child is well and happy. It gives adoptive parents access to information about their child’s family and medical history. It allows adopted children and adults to have longed-for connections to their biological roots.
We were advised early on that if we wanted a real chance of matching we should check the "open" box. If I'm honest, I wasn't sure how I felt about it. As excited as we were at the idea of being parents, bringing one new human into our lives was scary enough, let alone an entire family.
I'll never forget the first time we talked with Luka's mom on the phone just after matching. She knew about our 2 disrupted matches before her and kept telling us,"I promise you... I'm not going to change my mind. You can trust me." Our match with her lasted over 6 months. At the time, it felt like an eternity, but it gave us the time we needed to build our relationship and trust that followed. We texted casually. She loved sending me pictures of her kids and we'd talk about who we thought Luka would look like. We visited in August and went to lunch.
Then on an early morning run in October, about a month before Luka was due, I got a text and photo from her. "Luka was born this morning. He's not breathing right so they're flying him to another hospital. I'm still waiting to hear from the doctors about where he's at but I'm going to tell them to call you." Panic set in. I had left on one last girls trip and was 500 miles from home. I had no idea where Luka was or if he was going to be ok. The only thing I had was a picture of an intubated baby boy being airlifted to somewhere in Louisiana - and the phone number for his mother.
Shortly into my drive home to meet Dan I got a call from Luka's mom. She told me about her complications, his birth, and that she never held him because he was taken so quickly. Over the next few hours, she called multiple times giving updates about Luka and that she was tracking down social workers and doctors to make sure we were given full access. She was happy we could be there with him since she couldn't leave the hospital, and continued to reassure me everything was going to be ok. I was amazed with everything she was going through with her own serious medical complications, with the emotional toll of placing her child, that she had the strength to not only think about Luka, but my feelings too.
Luka spent 8 days in the NICU and day by day he was weaned off machines and supplemental oxygen. His mom checked in several times a day and, before we left to bring him home to Tennessee, asked if we could bring him by so she could hold him for the first time. That moment is the second picture on his shelf.
Since then, we've continued our connection with her through frequent texts, videos and photos, exchanging diaper recommendations, and still debating about which sibling Luka looks like now. She wished us a happy 1st Mother and Father's Day with a gift card to go out to dinner. We had another visit a few weeks ago, which we hope to be one of many, and love watching the siblings grow together.
Every open adoption looks different, with no guarantees or rule books. Many adoptive parents face tough choices - weighing the types and amount of contact truly best for their child. These relationships are almost always messy, because life (and family) are messy too. While there are some obvious benefits like knowing medical history and having people in your child's life who look like them, for us this relationship has already brought so much more. I'm proud to share this journey of motherhood with her, and grateful she's in Luka's life.
With Love -
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